Post-partum depression
Well it's been over a month since I posted last. I've just really been struggling with life and trying to make myself accomplish/do ANYTHING!!
I would definitely say I am suffering from PPD. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I wasn't already medicated to begin with. We have upped my dosage on my Prozac twice now, and finally I think I see some sort of difference. I'm hoping that I don't have to up it again, that this last change will be all I need, but I guess if I do need more...oh well, mostly I just really want to feel like myself and the sooner the better! I'm very glad for Prozac because right now most of what I'm dealing with is just a lack of interest and lack of motivation. A little depression, but really not much. When I had it with Alexandra it was horrible. It had gotten to the point of crazy lady gonna kill people, when I was finally diagnosed (finally asked for help!) and they put me on medication. I think if I had not been on the meds already I would probably have been even worse this time. So I am VERY grateful for the makers of Prozac and the psychiatrists that write my prescriptions!!!
Mostly I haven't wanted to do anything...well ok not completely true...when I'm depressed I shop...so pretty much the only thing I have felt like doing is spending money that we don't have. It has been 4 years since I even touched a credit card, and the last few months I have not been quite so good. I guess the good thing about the depression is I don't feel any guilt at all, but then again that doesn't help to stop the shopping obsession. But a little bit of good news - my Christmas shopping is almost all done!!!
The past few months my jaw has hurt so bad when I would wake up in the morning. I was clenching my teeth in the night in my sleep. I would do it during the day too when I would get frustrated, but when I would start to do it, I would stop myself - mostly because my jaw already hurt so bad. But I could not figure out how to stop it during the night. When we upped my dosage this last time, about a week later I woke up with very little pain (I would say it's mostly just residual pain from the previous clenching). It was the first sign that I was starting to feel better. And now I only have occasional pain when I'm eating or yawning!
This past week I have also been on a clean my house and organize it obsession! Another sign that I'm starting to feel better....although organizing has not helped my shopping spree either, I have found many items that I have HAD to have to make my house better (a cupboard for the food that didn't fit in my pantry, a new coat rack, a broom/mop holder, new storage for some of the girls stuff, and that's just what I can think of off the top of my head - there is still some stuff I want too and then I will be completely done I think...) And I have found many items to give away. I think I am currently at 6 huge garbage bags of stuff for ______ (I'd say ARC, but we are never giving to them again - long story - so I have to pick some charity!) And that doesn't include all the boxes and bags that currently sitting outside waiting for our next garbage day. Granted it has been over a year since I was able to really clean since it was about this time last year that I was put on restricted activity. But it's been so nice to actually feel like not only cleaning, but going through EVERYTHING and making it look nice! The girls were not so excited about this though, every day after school they would ask what we were doing and I would reply "Cleaning!". At first I was letting Alexandra tell me what toys she wanted to give away or keep....but then when I asked her why she wanted to keep this HUGE Dora doll that she NEVER plays with and she told me "I do play with it. Just only on specific months like December and January." She lost her vote on what was going in the give away bags!
Another good sign that the meds are working, is that Scarlett is teething horribly. She is extremely grumpy and yet I am still able to sit through most of her screaming fits without the "teeth clenching-Dean you have to take her now" feelings. I still have like 2 weeks till the meds are at full strength, so hopefully I get to feeling even better and get to be the person I like that I know is hidden somewhere deep inside.
So some updates about people other then myself...
Scarlett is 5 months old now. She is getting so big!! We've tried to give her rice cereal and she wants none of it. If I wait till she's really hungry she gets mad because she's really hungry and just wants a bottle. If I wait till she's partially hungry, she's not hungry enough to want to eat it. She just screams at me and looks at me like "What the heck are you putting in my mouth!" She loves to sit up (not quite on her own yet) but she tries all the time. She's constantly falling over onto her face when we sit her on the couch, just because we try to put her at an angle and she tries to sit up straight. We got her a bumpo (you'll see pictures on my next post) and she loves it. She gets to sit in the kitchen and stare at me when I'm making dinner, or just sit wherever I happen to be. She has decided she is a mommy's girl, which is even worse this week with her teething. She will sit in Dean's lap and cry for me. If I'm busy and I turn and look at her, she gives me this huge smile, and then when I turn back around she starts crying again. In fact this week she wouldn't even eat for Grammy and screamed at her when she picked her up from a nap. She's getting to love her exersaucer, although she will not play in it if I am anywhere near her. She sits and looks at me and cries and the only time she ever gets it to spin is when she's trying to find me. She will play on her floor mat in the other room with the girls while they are watching TV. She will even watch some of the shows if they have bright colors or music. She learned this week how to blow raspberries, and so now she spits at you to get your attention too! It really is so cute. I don't remember the other two girls learning how to do this, they just eventually knew how to. But she will sit and stare at you and you can just see her little brain working trying to figure out how to make her tongue do what she wants it too. She also is trying to get her tongue to make a clicking sound, but that one isn't as easy as raspberries.
Riley is doing as amazing as ever at school. She is getting so grown-up. It really is kinda scary to see the preteen starting to emerge in her. She still works on her drawing every possible moment. And she is becoming a little mommy with Scarlett. She will take her for me and try to help me out whenever possible. She loves carrying her around and making her laugh. Riley has this gorilla sound she makes and Scarlett thinks it's hilarious. Riley is still in Brownies this year and she is having a great time. I must say I'm looking forward to cookie time again, although this year I don't have a great excuse to eat as much as I want. Riley has found she loves audio books. She will sit and read the book while listening to it. We've had to check several different books out from the library for her, because we had the audio book, but not the book. I think this year she is finally starting to love reading. She's had several books that we've checked out and she gets so excited and just wants to sit and read them. She's always loved to have books read to her, but she just wasn't as fond of reading on her own. I hope that she just continues to grow and have a great love a reading! She is becoming very independent and has learned how to microwave her own meals whenever she wants. Although this has led to very creative things coming out of the microwave. Her favorite thing is to take a tortilla and put cheese and ham on it and nuke it. One day Alexandra wanted one too, so she put them both together one on top of the other thinking she would only have to use the microwave once. When they came out stuck together she was quite upset that it didn't work the way she wanted it too. She has also learned that metal doesn't go into the microwave too. "Mom! There's a fire in the microwave!!" She tried to microwave an Arby's sandwich that was in it's bag. The bag caught on fire.
Alexandra is loving school! She has really grown so much this year. It has really helped her to be with kids at her level with drawing and other activities. She has been used to comparing herself to Riley her whole life and of course she's never gonna be able to do the same things as Riley. So it has really helped her self esteem to see other kids that draw the same, and color the same. She is quite the little social butterfly and has many friends. I'm excited now that they've really started reading to see how she does. She has taught herself to read and I think she is just going to grow so much with all that she will learn at school. Alexandra loves Scarlett and loves to get her to laugh. Although she really doesn't laugh very much for Alexandra. Alexandra is just way too grabby-in her face-won't leave her alone, that Scarlett just sits and watches her waiting for her to pounce (that's the best way to describe it). Alexandra is getting better, and so Scarlett isn't quite as wary of her as she had been. I just have to keep telling Alexandra that she has to stay back a little bit because Scarlett likes to see her whole face. Alexandra is doing Daisy's this year. I'm so glad that there is a troop for her. I was worried that Riley might be the only one to get to do girl scouts and didn't want Alexandra to feel left out. But I also had no desire to be a troop leader again....
So that's all I can think of for right now, although I know that there has been more that has happened lately. My next post that I will hopefully get done today is pictures from the last little bit.
I would definitely say I am suffering from PPD. I can't imagine how bad it would be if I wasn't already medicated to begin with. We have upped my dosage on my Prozac twice now, and finally I think I see some sort of difference. I'm hoping that I don't have to up it again, that this last change will be all I need, but I guess if I do need more...oh well, mostly I just really want to feel like myself and the sooner the better! I'm very glad for Prozac because right now most of what I'm dealing with is just a lack of interest and lack of motivation. A little depression, but really not much. When I had it with Alexandra it was horrible. It had gotten to the point of crazy lady gonna kill people, when I was finally diagnosed (finally asked for help!) and they put me on medication. I think if I had not been on the meds already I would probably have been even worse this time. So I am VERY grateful for the makers of Prozac and the psychiatrists that write my prescriptions!!!
Mostly I haven't wanted to do anything...well ok not completely true...when I'm depressed I shop...so pretty much the only thing I have felt like doing is spending money that we don't have. It has been 4 years since I even touched a credit card, and the last few months I have not been quite so good. I guess the good thing about the depression is I don't feel any guilt at all, but then again that doesn't help to stop the shopping obsession. But a little bit of good news - my Christmas shopping is almost all done!!!
The past few months my jaw has hurt so bad when I would wake up in the morning. I was clenching my teeth in the night in my sleep. I would do it during the day too when I would get frustrated, but when I would start to do it, I would stop myself - mostly because my jaw already hurt so bad. But I could not figure out how to stop it during the night. When we upped my dosage this last time, about a week later I woke up with very little pain (I would say it's mostly just residual pain from the previous clenching). It was the first sign that I was starting to feel better. And now I only have occasional pain when I'm eating or yawning!
This past week I have also been on a clean my house and organize it obsession! Another sign that I'm starting to feel better....although organizing has not helped my shopping spree either, I have found many items that I have HAD to have to make my house better (a cupboard for the food that didn't fit in my pantry, a new coat rack, a broom/mop holder, new storage for some of the girls stuff, and that's just what I can think of off the top of my head - there is still some stuff I want too and then I will be completely done I think...) And I have found many items to give away. I think I am currently at 6 huge garbage bags of stuff for ______ (I'd say ARC, but we are never giving to them again - long story - so I have to pick some charity!) And that doesn't include all the boxes and bags that currently sitting outside waiting for our next garbage day. Granted it has been over a year since I was able to really clean since it was about this time last year that I was put on restricted activity. But it's been so nice to actually feel like not only cleaning, but going through EVERYTHING and making it look nice! The girls were not so excited about this though, every day after school they would ask what we were doing and I would reply "Cleaning!". At first I was letting Alexandra tell me what toys she wanted to give away or keep....but then when I asked her why she wanted to keep this HUGE Dora doll that she NEVER plays with and she told me "I do play with it. Just only on specific months like December and January." She lost her vote on what was going in the give away bags!
Another good sign that the meds are working, is that Scarlett is teething horribly. She is extremely grumpy and yet I am still able to sit through most of her screaming fits without the "teeth clenching-Dean you have to take her now" feelings. I still have like 2 weeks till the meds are at full strength, so hopefully I get to feeling even better and get to be the person I like that I know is hidden somewhere deep inside.
So some updates about people other then myself...
Scarlett is 5 months old now. She is getting so big!! We've tried to give her rice cereal and she wants none of it. If I wait till she's really hungry she gets mad because she's really hungry and just wants a bottle. If I wait till she's partially hungry, she's not hungry enough to want to eat it. She just screams at me and looks at me like "What the heck are you putting in my mouth!" She loves to sit up (not quite on her own yet) but she tries all the time. She's constantly falling over onto her face when we sit her on the couch, just because we try to put her at an angle and she tries to sit up straight. We got her a bumpo (you'll see pictures on my next post) and she loves it. She gets to sit in the kitchen and stare at me when I'm making dinner, or just sit wherever I happen to be. She has decided she is a mommy's girl, which is even worse this week with her teething. She will sit in Dean's lap and cry for me. If I'm busy and I turn and look at her, she gives me this huge smile, and then when I turn back around she starts crying again. In fact this week she wouldn't even eat for Grammy and screamed at her when she picked her up from a nap. She's getting to love her exersaucer, although she will not play in it if I am anywhere near her. She sits and looks at me and cries and the only time she ever gets it to spin is when she's trying to find me. She will play on her floor mat in the other room with the girls while they are watching TV. She will even watch some of the shows if they have bright colors or music. She learned this week how to blow raspberries, and so now she spits at you to get your attention too! It really is so cute. I don't remember the other two girls learning how to do this, they just eventually knew how to. But she will sit and stare at you and you can just see her little brain working trying to figure out how to make her tongue do what she wants it too. She also is trying to get her tongue to make a clicking sound, but that one isn't as easy as raspberries.
Riley is doing as amazing as ever at school. She is getting so grown-up. It really is kinda scary to see the preteen starting to emerge in her. She still works on her drawing every possible moment. And she is becoming a little mommy with Scarlett. She will take her for me and try to help me out whenever possible. She loves carrying her around and making her laugh. Riley has this gorilla sound she makes and Scarlett thinks it's hilarious. Riley is still in Brownies this year and she is having a great time. I must say I'm looking forward to cookie time again, although this year I don't have a great excuse to eat as much as I want. Riley has found she loves audio books. She will sit and read the book while listening to it. We've had to check several different books out from the library for her, because we had the audio book, but not the book. I think this year she is finally starting to love reading. She's had several books that we've checked out and she gets so excited and just wants to sit and read them. She's always loved to have books read to her, but she just wasn't as fond of reading on her own. I hope that she just continues to grow and have a great love a reading! She is becoming very independent and has learned how to microwave her own meals whenever she wants. Although this has led to very creative things coming out of the microwave. Her favorite thing is to take a tortilla and put cheese and ham on it and nuke it. One day Alexandra wanted one too, so she put them both together one on top of the other thinking she would only have to use the microwave once. When they came out stuck together she was quite upset that it didn't work the way she wanted it too. She has also learned that metal doesn't go into the microwave too. "Mom! There's a fire in the microwave!!" She tried to microwave an Arby's sandwich that was in it's bag. The bag caught on fire.
Alexandra is loving school! She has really grown so much this year. It has really helped her to be with kids at her level with drawing and other activities. She has been used to comparing herself to Riley her whole life and of course she's never gonna be able to do the same things as Riley. So it has really helped her self esteem to see other kids that draw the same, and color the same. She is quite the little social butterfly and has many friends. I'm excited now that they've really started reading to see how she does. She has taught herself to read and I think she is just going to grow so much with all that she will learn at school. Alexandra loves Scarlett and loves to get her to laugh. Although she really doesn't laugh very much for Alexandra. Alexandra is just way too grabby-in her face-won't leave her alone, that Scarlett just sits and watches her waiting for her to pounce (that's the best way to describe it). Alexandra is getting better, and so Scarlett isn't quite as wary of her as she had been. I just have to keep telling Alexandra that she has to stay back a little bit because Scarlett likes to see her whole face. Alexandra is doing Daisy's this year. I'm so glad that there is a troop for her. I was worried that Riley might be the only one to get to do girl scouts and didn't want Alexandra to feel left out. But I also had no desire to be a troop leader again....
So that's all I can think of for right now, although I know that there has been more that has happened lately. My next post that I will hopefully get done today is pictures from the last little bit.
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